Sexuality can be complicated. Why? Because there are all kinds of assumptions and labels that are usually placed on people as soon as they’re born. That means that before they even have time to develop and learn about things like their sexuality or gender identity, they have already been put into a box. Let’s get one thing straight (or gay, tbh): There is no right or wrong way to talk about, label, or define your sexuality. Whether you identity as straight, gay, bisexual, queer, none of the above, or somewhere in between, only you can define your sexuality and decide how to best communicate this identity to those around you.
In an ideal world, of course, your parents would support you no matter what. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. And if you’re struggling to talk to your friends or family about your sexuality, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Sometimes coming out can be so liberating, and other times it may be more important for you to stay safe and come out when the time feels right.
That’s why I asked teens around the world about their coming out stories (or their reasons to hold off on coming out). Here’s what they had to say…
Here are some of the many thoughtful responses I received:
“I think my parents are part of a generation who do not understand that sexuality is a spectrum. This definitely complicates most conversations about my sexuality with them.” —Rachel, 17
“I think my parents imagine me as a young child, so the idea of telling them that I would have sex with anyone ever would be insane. I remember after prom last year my mom innocently asked me if anyone in my grade had ever had a boyfriend. We’re 18 and almost all visibly self-identify as queer. When she asked that I realized how disconnected she was from me.” —Madison, 18
“My parents are incredibly homophobic so telling them that I’m queer is unfathomable. Although it’s hard to imagine going my entire life without telling them about my queer identity, this doesn’t mean that my sexuality is any less important or valid.” —Sarah, 15
“I told my mom I was gay for the first time when she visited me in college last year. We were driving in upstate New York and I had a hickey on my neck from the night before. She asked what ‘his name was’ and when I told her that the hickey was from ‘Tess,’ she smiled. She was ultimately happy for me, but I felt so naked telling her about my identity.” —Emma, 19
“My parents were nothing but supportive of me when I came out to them! They were so encouraging and loving and invited my girlfriend over for dinner the next weekend. I think I expected it to be scarier than it was, but I also acknowledge that not everyone has the privilege of coming out in a supportive environment.” —Grace, 13
“Telling my parents about my serious boyfriend was really scary because I don’t think they think of me as even having a sexuality at all. It’s funny because they so desperately want me to open up about my personal life to them... But, if I can’t talk about my sexuality or any serious relationships, how do they expect to have this close and intimate bond with me?” —Tucker, 19
“I genuinely wish I could talk to my parents about my serious girlfriend, but I’m too nervous. They’ve never done anything to make me feel like I can’t tell them that I’m gay, but the idea of talking to my parents about my relationship with my girlfriend is just really just scary for me.” —Eva, 17
“I actually came out to my parents a week before Trump got elected and I will always remember November 2017 as time in my life filled with great bravery. I can’t believe it’s been a year since. It feels like it was just yesterday.” —Paige, 18
“I was really lucky to be in a very healthy and serious relationship with a supportive girlfriend at the time. I called her before I came out to my parents, and then again after. I think practicing what you’re going to say before can be really helpful.” —Virginia, 19
“I think 2017 is a really confusing time to be growing up. I don’t feel straight necessarily, but I still have a very instinctual reaction to male attention. I am always confused about my sexuality and I feel like [my parents] are going to ask a lot of questions if I tell them I might be gay. I just want to be sure of my identity before I start talking to my parents about it.” —Haley, 19
“I totally understand that Trump’s election wasn’t really about me, but for some reason when he got elected I felt the most unsafe to take up space. I’m not white, male, or straight and literally do not feel part of this country anymore. So, if I don’t feel safe to speak about my identity out loud, how can I come out to my parents?” —Smith, 16
“Last year, I sat my mom down and told her about my very serious girlfriend. It was the first time I told her about anyone in my life romantically, and it made me very nervous. I was shaking and crying for a while, but then eventually calmed down and discussed why this was an important conversation to have. I think if you directly tell your parents how much that this conversation means to you, they’re more likely to take it seriously.” —Eva, 17
“I constantly have to come out to my parents. Each and every time love comes into a conversation, I find that I have to come out over and over again. How many times do I need to explicitly tell them that I’m not straight? I’ve literally stopped counting at this point.” —Maddie, 16
"I don't speak to my parents about sex or my sexuality and I'm okay with it. It's not really part of our relationship, and I don't think it means we're not super close. We just bond over other things." —Payton, 19
"I've had trouble speaking about most things regarding sex and my sexuality with my parents. They aren't mean or horrible people at all, it's just an awkward topic to talk about with 'older' people. Part of it might actually be generational. Millennials see the world from such a specific perspective, and 2017 is unlike any other time in history." —Rebecca, 16
"I feel like ever since I came out, it's been really hard for me to speak to most people about my sex life, parents included. My parents have been nothing but supportive of me coming out, but I feel very excluded from many conversations about sex." —Kali, 19
“I will never talk to my parents about my sexuality not because they’re overtly homophobic, but because I don’t need them to validate my feelings towards my girlfriend.” —Eva, 17
“My boyfriend and I have been together for five years, and I still don’t feel safe to talk to my parents about him. I don’t want to disappoint them when I tell them I’m gay.” —Jon, 18
“Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever have the courage to come out to my parents. I am brave and sure of my sexuality, but I don’t think my parents will ever be okay with me being anything but straight. They’re not mean or rude or openly homophobic at all, but will only ever ask me about boys. I pretend that it doesn’t bother me, but I think heteronormativity is toxic.” —True, 18
“I think talking about your sexuality is difficult even if you are straight. No one wants to talk to their parents about sex or desire, and sexuality is already such a complicated topic. Although I am straight, conversations around sex are still difficult for me. I wonder if my parents feel the same way.” —Maisy, 16
“My parents are very sweet and loving, but they do not understand queerness at all. I don’t think I could ever call them homophobic, because they’re not. But they also just simply do not understand that sexuality is a spectrum. Is that generational? Potentially.” —Olivia, 15
“My parents were super supportive when I came out to them. They were loving and accepting and welcomed my significant other into the family immediately. My little sister was actually the toughest to tell, and it made me angry because if I was straight I wouldn’t have had to sit down every member in the family and come out. But after I came out to each person in my family individually, I did feel a lot less anxious.”—Kelsey, 18
"When I told my mom that I might be gay, I was so nervous. I think my biggest fear was that she wouldn't accept me. Luckily, coming out to her has only made us closer." —Kyle, 13
"I'm worried that if I come out to my parents they won't pay for college, so I keep my sexuality to myself. I wonder if when I'm older I'll finally work up the courage to talk to them about my sexuality and the fact that I do not really see myself as straight." —Paige, 18
"I know I'm too young to think about marriage but I really don't see myself marrying a man. I think this is going to get messy since my parents are incredibly homophobic. Perhaps I just won't invite them to the wedding?" —Autumn, 13
"Sometimes I worry that if I come out to my parents I'll offend them. I know that's crazy to think about... how would MY sexuality affect someone else?! But, I'm worried it'll be hard for them." —Smith, 15
"My mom is the most loving person in the world, but that doesn't mean that coming out will be any easier for me. I'm still horrified to have that conversation with her." —Truman, 13
"Sometimes I wonder if my anxiety has anything to do with the fact that I still haven't come out to my parents. I'm scared. I don't think it'll go over well." —Leah, 13
"I think the most important aspect of talking to your parents about something so personal is making sure you are ready. There is no expiration dates on when this should happen." —Megan, 19
Do you have a story you’d like to add to this conversation? We’d love to hear from you! Send us a video of your answer for a chance to be featured on our site. Videos should be under two minutes and filmed horizontally—you can use your iPhone! Please submit them to here@hearst.com.
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