Relationships experience all kinds of ups and downs, but when the vibes feel off for weeks or your S.O. seems to be acting different, you can’t help but wonder if something has shifted between you two. Maybe they take hours to text back, brush off talks about the future, or often come up with excuses to cancel date nights and plans.
All relationships are different, and it can be difficult to know if something is up with your partner or if their feelings have changed. Having an open conversation is the best way to clarify where your relationship stands, but maybe you may want to assess the red flags before you bring anything up. Or maybe you’ve already talked about their distant behavior, and despite their reassurances, you can’t help but feel like they’re not that into you anymore. Can’t shake that uneasy feeling? Here are the signs that your partner doesn’t love you anymore.
But first — if you’re reading this and feel like your partner isn’t into you anymore, remember: You deserve someone who makes you feel safe, secure, and completely loved, and if this person isn’t the right one for you, as much as it may hurt right now, someone else will see you for the amazing person you are.
They avoid spending time with you
They cancel plans without rescheduling, no longer initiate date nights, or consistently choose to spend their weekends with people other than you. They evade interaction with less texts, calls, and FaceTimes, or don’t wait up to walk together after class.
This detachment or disinterest in spending time with you could signal that their feelings are fading. “If you’re no longer a high priority, that’s telling,” Tess Brigham, MFT, BCC, therapist and life coach, says.
Think about it: When you’re head-over-heels in love, you want to spend every waking minute with that person — or, at the very least, make an effort to see them as much as possible among school and work responsibilities. “They may be avoiding having to spend long periods of time [with you] because they don’t want to have to talk about what’s happening,” Brigham adds. “They don’t want to have to say to you, ‘Hey, I'm not happy.’”
Your partner might be too uncomfortable to bring up the break-up convo, Jeff Guenther, LPC, a Portland, Oregon-based therapist known as Therapy Jeff on TikTok, explains. “They might not know the language to use in order to have difficult conversations,” he continues. “[They] might feel really bad about letting you down.” Even if they don’t love you anymore, they likely still care about you and don’t want to break your heart. So, instead of confronting their feelings, they might choose to ignore them — and you, in the process.
They’re not as affectionate
You notice that they’ve stopped calling you by your cute nickname, rarely hold your hand in the halls, or hardly ever initiate intimacy. It’s a pattern that’s been building, and you can’t shake the feeling that there’s been a shift in your mutual attraction.
“Desire for sex and physical intimacy goes up and down in a relationship...” Guenther explains. But it could be a sign that love is lost if “you’re not as physically affectionate, you’re not having sex as much (if that’s something that you were doing in the first place), or you’re feeling rejected,” for a sustained period of time, he says.
They’re constantly picking fights
You two are rarely on the same page and argue much more than you used to. You have pointless fights over what to watch on Netflix, what to do this weekend, or what that text about your celeb crush really meant.
“They may create problems where there are none because they want you to be the bad guy and break up with them,” Brigham explains. Even if you try to make amends, they may not seem willing to find a solution or make-up. Arguing and having disagreements in a relationship is normal, but if it’s constant or never really resolved, there could be a bigger issue at play.
They no longer talk about the future
“When you start to fall out of love with somebody, you don’t talk about the future anymore,” Guenther explains. “You don’t talk about the dreams or fantasies that you once created together, or all the stuff you were going to do.”
They withdraw from those types of discussions or don’t match your level of enthusiasm when you bring up future or near-future events, like going to prom together, attending the same college, or moving in together post-grad. Take this as a red flag, especially if you’ve had these conversations before — it could mean that your S.O. is no longer invested and doesn’t picture your relationship in the long-term.
They’re breadcrumbing
Maybe you’ve recognized some of the signs listed above, but at other (often more random) times, your partner is affectionate and considerate about your weekend plans or upcoming bio test. This is often referred to as breadcrumbing (you’ve probably heard about it on TikTok or from a friend) and it can make you question if everything you’ve been worrying about your relationship is all in your head.
“You’re giving somebody just enough to keep them interested in the relationship, but you’re not really giving them everything,” Guenther explains. “When someone wants out of the relationship, they might not know what to say or don’t have a lot of experience with these difficult conversations, so they let the fear and anxiety take over and fade away, leaving little breadcrumbs.”
Your gut is telling you something is off
You might not recognize your significant other’s resignation or apathy right away. “A lot of times in a relationship, if somebody is starting to lose interest, their change of behavior is really subtle,” Guenther explains. “Then when you do [notice] and ask them about it, they’re weirdly avoidant about answering the question.” That’s why it’s important to listen to your intuition, Dr. Stephanie Freitag, licensed clinical psychologist, says.
Their coolness or passive demeanor is a pattern, leaving you to wonder if their feelings have changed. “It’s a change of behavior that is continuous. It’s not based on a stressful event, bad day, weird week, or horrible month,” Guenther adds.
Sometimes our heart knows first when a relationship is in trouble, and it might be why you’re reading this article. “You might not be able to put your finger on it, but you can energetically feel like something has changed,” Guenther says. So if your gut is telling you that the vibes are off or something doesn’t feel right in your relationship, pay attention.
You no longer feel happy in the relationship
Take stock of how you feel when you’re not hanging out together, Brigham suggests. “You might feel good when you’re with the person, but for all of the other hours of the day, the anxiety and stress [take over],” she explains. You might be worried that they’re texting someone else, hanging out with their ex, flirting with other people, or swiping on dating apps because their recent behavior suggests that they’re not prioritizing you or your relationship.
“All of that is so anxiety-provoking, stressful, and hurtful,” Brigham continues. “You have to consider that. You can’t just look at how you feel when you’re with them because the person that’s right for you is going to make you feel good all of the time.”
You should feel safe and secure in a committed relationship, and trust that your person will always be there for you, Dr. Freitag adds: “Somebody not honoring their commitment to you, not respecting your boundaries, not willing to compromise, and not treating you with respect, care, and equality” are huge, blinking signs that their feelings have probably changed.
Leah Campano is an Associate Editor at Seventeen, where she covers pop culture, entertainment news, health, and politics. On the weekends, you can probably find her watching marathons of vintage Real Housewives episodes or searching for New York City’s best almond croissants.
